Family Feuds

 

The king (David) was overcome with grief. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept.

As he went, he cried, "O my son! My son Absalom! Absalom, my son!

If only I had died in your place, my son! Absalom, my son!"        

 

Bill Cosby, in his book Fatherhood, acknowledges that every day is filled with the possibility of conflict in a family and no subject is argued over more than that of the type of music young people listen to. Bill Cosby writes,
I doubt that any parent has ever liked the music his children did. At the dawn of time, some caveman must have been sitting on a rock, contentedly whistling the song of a bird, until he was suddenly jarred by music coming from his son, grunting the sound of a sick monkey. And eons later, Mozart’s father must have walked into the parlour one day when Mozart was playing Bach on the harpsichord. "Turn that down," the father must have said.
And Mozart must have replied – in German, of course – "But Dad, this is great stuff."
The older generation is simply incapable of ever appreciating the strange sounds that the young ones call music.

Many battles have been fought over this issue in homes with young people. I don’t think this battle will ever end. There are momentary victories when the volume is turned down. For sure the next generation will have their own battle with their children.

The Bible as we have it today tells of numerous families that were in trouble (today we might call it dysfunctional families). Right in the early chapters of the first book of the Bible (in Genesis) in fact we hear how God had trouble with his children. God created Adam and Eve and told them not to eat the fruit from a particular tree. And of course, when we are told not to do something there is an even greater temptation to do precisely what we are told not to do.

And that’s what happened to Adam and Eve. When they were found out, they started arguing and blaming each other for disobeying God and eating the fruit they were told specifically not to touch. And then immediately afterwards, we hear of their two boys, Cain and Abel, one of whom couldn’t stand the other.

And what about the twin boys, Jacob and Esau? Jacob cheated his brother out of his inheritance, aided by his mother, and then had to flee for fear of his life. There is also the story of how a large family of brothers ganged up on Joseph, their spoilt younger brother. Sold him into slavery, because he was their father’s favourite.

The Bible is full of stories about families in strife. Today we heard about another family in trouble. King David was having trouble with his third son, Absalom. Absalom was too good looking for his own good, and too full of himself. He had the most beautiful head of hair that he trimmed once a year. He was spoilt rotten by his father, David.

Let me give you a sketch of what kind of trouble was brewing in David’s home. David’s eldest son Amnon, was infatuated with his half-sister Tamar and raped her. Tamar’s brother Absalom was outraged and set out to get revenge. He threw a party to which the royal sons were invited and when Amnon was drunk, Absalom ordered his servants to kill the heir to David’s throne.

If that wasn’t enough heartache for David, Absalom then set his eyes on overthrowing David as king and putting himself on the throne. Absalom gathered a large army and King David was forced to flee from Jerusalem, the capital of David’s kingdom.

As you can imagine David was heart broken that one his own sons would turn against him and seek to kill him. However David had a large number of loyal followers and soon he had an army of considerable strength under the command of one his generals, Joab.

The king gave Joab a special instruction not to hurt Absalom. David was still Absalom’s father and was ready to forgive his rebellious son. Absalom’s army was totally defeated, and as he tried to escape his head was wedged in the forked branches of a tree. Joab made sure that Absalom caused no further trouble for David by killing him. This added to David’s troubles.

He "was overcome with grief. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept. As he went, he cried, "O my son! My son Absalom! Absalom, my son! If only I had died in your place, my son! Absalom, my son!" "Absalom! Absalom!" King David cries.

His wail echoes down the centuries in every family tragedy, in every parent full of regret for what might have been but is not, in every parent whose love, whose dreams and sacrifice have been squandered or rejected by an ungrateful child.

David’s cry of grief and heartache is echoed in those families where parents divorce and children can not understand why mummy or daddy doesn’t live at home any more. David’s misery and sorrow is echoed in the cry of a husband, or wife, or child who has been hurt again and again, and the pain of that hurt is carried with them forever.

Our families today are no different to those described in the Bible. It’s true we may not have some of the extreme situations that biblical families experienced, but still sin plays a major part in causing unhappiness in our family life today. It doesn’t matter whether your family consists of parents and young children or teens, or just husband and wife, or your family is grown up.

Families still experience the same kind of attacks from Satan as they did in ancient times. You will still find jealousy, misunderstanding, spoilt children, poor discipline, hatred, disagreement, arguments, hurtfulness, deceitfulness, and a lack of openness and honesty among members of families today just as all these were evident in the families of the Bible.

In many ways we can say that civilization has come a long way and that we have many modern conveniences that were absolutely unheard of in biblical times. So many things have changed in the world that if King David would come back today he would wonder if he had come back to another planet.

There would be so little that would be familiar. But there is one thing that he would recognize immediately, that is, the sin that has infected our families. He would see that the same sins that brought so much grief to him and his family are still corrupting family life today.

So the story of David ends with deep regret, with a father crying alone in his room into the night in grief over his son, over the sad state of his family, over the high cost of fulfilling his royal responsibilities.

This tragic story is included in the Bible to help us see ourselves in this story, I think. In any family, even the best of them, there is always some regret. Things don't always work out for the best. Children disappoint us. Parents don’t act as they should. Husband and wives don’t care enough for each other and forgive one another. Children behave selfishly.

In fact, I'm glad this story is in the Bible because it lets us know that unhappiness, tragedy, regret are part of living in a family. It was true for King David; it is true at your house and mine. But the sad story of David’s family ends with little resolved and with David’s heart broken because of what happened to his family. What are we to do when we are hurt by what happens in our families?

A long time after Absalom’s untimely death there was a cross raised outside his father’s city, Jerusalem. On the cross was another son, dying there not because of his rebellion against his father, but rather because of our rebellion. Here a father, our heavenly Father is giving us everything we need, even if it meant allowing his only son to die in my place.

On the cross, he won forgiveness for us – a pardon for all the things we do which bring pain and hurt to one another in our families. The cross doesn’t erase the seriousness of the evils we commit and the hurt caused by members of their family, the consequences may continue on. For instance, when Absalom had his brother murdered, nothing could undo this act and nothing could dissolve David’s grief for his dead son.

The great thing about the cross is that we are assured that we are still God’s beloved children. We are assured that our wrongs will no longer be held against us, that the rift between God and us, and between family members that comes because of our sin has been healed.

We are promised that the guilt that comes with wrongdoing has been done away and that we can have a fresh start. David said that he would have given his life to save his son from death. But even kings can't do that and nobody can do that. It takes God to do that. At Calvary, on the cross, God's whole, tragic human family was gathered, embraced, saved by a Father who loves us dearly.

Likewise, God wants us, his forgiven and pardoned people, to forgive and pardon members of our families when we are hurt. It matters because it isn’t just some fluke of nature that we have a family. It is part of God’s plan for our life.

In my opinion, family is very important. It doesn’t take much effort to let barriers build up between members of the family, between husband and wife, between parents and children, between grandparents and grandchildren, and so on.

It happens so easily. And it happens too often that pride will not let us take the first step in tearing down those walls and open up the communication between us.

It does matter when hurtful things are said and done in our family. This same feelings is duplicated at times in the Church family.

Not only are parents and children members of our earthly family, they are also members of God’s family. We have been baptized and adopted as God’s people. We share the same heavenly Father, the same Saviour and the same forgiveness and love that God gives us.

The prayer of St Francis is an excellent one for parents and children, grandparents and grandchildren who are seeking God’s help in this whole business of making family life happy through caring for one another, and making the forgiveness of God a reality in the activities of everyday.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.