Dealing With Disappointment

 

"Do not labor for the food which perishes,

but for the food which endures to eternal life."   John 6:27

 

Prayer

Is there anyone here who has not known disappointment in his or her life?  It is one of the oldest human experiences.  Each one of us could make a list of our unfulfilled wishes or seeds we planted which never grew into plants.  Anyone who has hopes or dreams can expect some disappointment.  Alexander Pope wrote: "Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."

Disappointment is a problem which transcends economics.  We can be well-off financially and still have all kinds of disappointments.  We can be disappointed with our children; disappointed with our parents, with our marriage, in not reaching whatever goals we have set for yourself.  We can be disappointed in your job, or in our friends or family members. We can be disappointed because our life lacks meaning and direction.

Disappointment takes place in our lives no matter how young or old we are.  It is common to hear people talk about facing a "mid-life crisis. A man or woman comes to the realization that he or she is not going to fulfill the dream in the way it was envisioned.  There are times also when a dream is achieved but an emptiness remains.  The question comes, "is that all there is?"

Contending with disappointment is not an easy matter, yet there are all kinds of people and institutions peddling techniques which promise to solve our problems with almost no pain.

You've seen the headlines on the magazines which are near the check-out counters in supermarkets--each promises a better personal life through psychological intervention or attitude manipulation with little or no pain.  If these mass-produced materials are to be believed, you can learn how to love in a few easy lessons, how to overcome conflict in your marriage, how to get a promotion in your job, how to improve your life by following the few simple formulas contained in the text.

Assuring us of an easy, quick way to happiness and fulfillment, we are given the false impression that personal change is a simple, painless matter.  It's the opposite of another old saying, "There is no gain without pain."  Unfortunately, these fantasies of effortless personal transformation can produce even greater disappointment.

So this morning we are going to consider this whole matter of disappointment in life and what the Christian faith has to say about contending with it.  What is disappointment? 

In the simplest terms, disappointment is unmet positive expectation.  The word "positive" is important.  There are some unmet expectations which bring us joy and satisfaction and not disappointment.  For example you might go to see a physician with the expectation that your symptoms will lead to a diagnosis of terminal cancer. 

You will not be disappointed if that expectation proves to be false.   Disappointment occurs when we expected a certain good thing to take place and it doesn't.  We are disappointed. What then does our Christian faith have to say about contending with disappointment?

First, our faith tells us that disappointment is going to be a part of every human being's life.  God has not promised anyone a life free of all disappointment.  There will even be times when we are disappointed with God.  Therefore do not be surprised when disappointment occurs in our life. 

It comes to all of us, young and old, rich and poor, healthy and sick, married and single, religious and not so religious.  Jesus experienced a number of disappointments in his life. As human beings created in God's image we have the capacity to dream of building a better world; to imagine improving our own lives and the lives of others.  Having positive expectations is built into our inner nature.  And when we have dreams the fact is that all of them will not be fulfilled according to our desires.  There will be disappointment.

Disappointment comes in many forms.  Sometimes other people will disappoint you, your friends, your neighbors, your co-workers, your relatives, your children, your spouse.  Events in your life do not always come off as planned.  Your health may fail you, your job can be disappointing, and you can be disappointed with yourself.  Life has an unpredictable quality to it.

Optimistic expectations are helpful in planning for the future.  They project us into the next day or year so we are able to foresee what is required and respond accordingly.  They provide a mental dress rehearsal of sorts which allows us to prepare for a variety of contingencies.

As a young man preparing to be away from home for the first time. I daydreamt about living on my own, travelling and having stimulating adventures, and formation of new friendships. However to have dreams, visions and expectations is to open ourselves to some disappointments.  Our dreams are not always realized.

This past week Susan and I received a letter from a former parishioner out West sharing some sad news in my first parish.( The parish has separated after 30 years as a federated parish).

Sam Keen wrote: "Life is not a bowl of Librium.  And a good part of the secret of happiness lies in learning to suffer with dignity.  Loneliness, loss, disappointment, failure, disease, boredom are inevitable.

The price of trying to avoid the unavoidable is illusion or neurosis.  Even if we jog, eat healthy foods, drink green tea, meditate, and go to confession regularly, we will sometimes fall sick."

Second, even though disappointment will come to everyone in varying degrees, some can be avoided or at least modified, and that involves changing or being flexible with our dreams and expectations. We should not set our aspirations in concrete so that they cannot be moved or modified.  And none are irreplaceable. Remember that expectations are nothing more than wishes or anticipation. 

Therefore we are not to empower them with royal treatment or see them as permanent fixtures that cannot be removed or changed.  In religious terms, don't make a god of out your expectations and dreams and worship them.  Jesus said, "Do not labor for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to eternal life."

I believe a key to reducing disappointment is a willingness to give up what you want when you can't get it.  Some expectations are completely unrealistic.  For example, for me to expect to earn my living as a professional golfer is foolish. 

No matter how hard I might work at it or how much I might dream about it, or wish it to be true--if I have this expectation, you can be sure that I am going to be disappointed.  And the more I invest in this expectation, the more I am going to be disappointed.  So I need to let go of that fantasy.  

Too many of us are overly invested in particular expectations.  The longer we hold on to them when they are totally unreasonable, the more suffering and disappointment there will be.

The well-know prayer of Reinhold Niebuhr fits here:

"O God give us serenity to accept what cannot be changed, courage to change

what should be changed, and wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

Remember too that surrendering a particular expectation is not the same as surrendering self.  We continue to exist long after we give up the desire for a specific outcome.

Third, it helps in dealing with disappointment to trim down the number of our expectations. Beyond the trivial, most people carry around too many explicit expectations.  Not only can we have too many desires and therefore open ourselves to too many disappointments but we can act as if the fulfillment of each one of them is as important as life itself.  As I said earlier, you can make the fulfillment of our dreams equal to God.

Fourth, our text tells us, "Do not labor for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to eternal life."  Some of our dreams and expectations even if you attain them aren't worth very much.  They have no lasting power.  There are people who spend all their time and energy working for goals that perish.  Then they lose either way--if they succeed in fulfilling their dream, it perishes quickly, and if they don't get it, they are very disappointed.

I still recall a story I heard years ago.  It was the true story of the Bradshaw family in Salt Lake City, Utah.  The patriarch of the family, Franklin Bradshaw, had a desire to achieve that was so consuming that he worked every day of the year, not even making time to attend his three daughter's weddings. 

In the process he became one of the richest men in State of Utah, but everything else around him became tragedy.  The family became a battleground which extended even to the grandchildren. 

One Sunday morning in July 1978, Franklin Bradshaw, then 76, was shot to death by one of his grandsons and later investigation revealed that the murder had been planned by one of his daughters--the motive, to get her share of money sooner. 

Today, the daughter and her son are still in prison, the rest of the family has disintegrated.  All the "food" they labored for has perished. What is the food that does not perish that we can labor for?   To put it most simply--it is love.  "Love God and love your neighbor as yourself," as Jesus stated it.   You begin to experience the love of God in the practice of loving others.  The two cannot be separated.

The more we become aware of our connection with God and with one another, the more we will overcome and be able to handle the disappointment in life.  It's that simple and that complicated.  It's complicated because love requires responsibility. 

The forty-one year old husband and father who walks out on his family because he feels suffocated with mortgage payments and being tied down, thinks he's breaking out to happiness, so he leaves his family, sells the station wagon, buys a sports car and moves into a singles complex and grows a beard.  He thinks he is going to gain happiness by shedding his responsibilities.  

The real key to the love the Bible is talking about is maintaining responsibility in our ongoing relationship with people who depend on us and whom we know we can depend on.  It is the food that does not perish that Jesus was talking about.

The key ingredient for finding fulfillment in life and thereby being able to handle life's difficulties and problems is an ongoing loving relationship with other human beings and therefore with God. 

A couple of weeks back in the sermon entitled, "Do you believe in miracle?" I spoke of all the research that demonstrates that when we are in loving relationships with other people, all of life is better.

It is the one food that doesn't perish.

Amen.